Whelp, here is another post of my brain dump. Just a reminder that I'm intentionally not editing these so any spelling errors, confusing sentences, and offensive language is just an honest look at how my brain processes information. I struggled a lot with this one because it does have strong language in it which may offend, especially in a post about following Jesus, but as I started deleting it I felt I was pretending which, once you read this post you will understand, felt very hypocritical. I hope you can work through your offense and see the greater message. Offense isn't the goal but sometimes change requires being offended. So with that... I call this one, "Follow Jesus....?"
I've starting trying to write something everyday. A verse, a line, a poem, a thought, ANYTHING will do. I sit down and just go. I try not to think, try not to worry about sentence structure or rythm and just keep writing. Sometimes its nice, sometimes it angry, sometimes its even a bit crude, but I found that it's honest. Then every once in a while its something I really like and want to share. This is one of those. Enjoy!
First, let me say thank you for being so gracious as I took the day off on Thursday. I received a lot of little encouragements from you and it reminded me that as a blogger and someone who people count on to produce content, even if it’s only a few people, that it’s ok to admit we can’t do things. I had a pretty serious breakdown on Tuesday night that left me drained. I won’t go into all the details but generally I had reached my limit of doing and was empty. Thank God for a loving wife who is understanding when I start to unravel and gently encourages me back together.
So as you should know by now, my issue is that for many years I sought relief from my emotional and experiential pain through acting out sexually whether it be pornography, masturbation, or sex outside of marriage. Over the last six years I have been steadily growing healthier in these areas thanks to the very difficult emotional work I have been doing, the encouragement of those who know me and love me, and of course the help of God. However, one of the frustrations I have with this journey is the relentlessness of “the opposing force”.
As a high school student I had a job and pretty much paid for anything that I wanted with the exception of the things I stole, but I’ll save that for another blog post. I bought my own car, paid my insurance and gas, my own food, and anything else I wanted to take part in. I worked at grocery stores or fast food places for my first couple of gigs like most kids my age and I made just enough money to pay the bills and get a few small wants here and there.
This week I had the privilege of leading a group of High School boys through some meaningful conversations about God as our father for Revolution Church’s Student Ministry Camp. This topic brought about a lot of commentary surrounding earthly fathers and the way they have let us down and how their doing so has skewed our view of God. Honestly, it was a sweet spot for me. This topic is what I have spent a lot of time dealing with personally and in the lives of others.
You wouldn’t know it by looking at me but I was quite the athlete in 5th grade. I played running back for the Eli Whitney Panthers and it was clear that I was going to be drafted to play middle school football any day. I remember well the highlight reel they showed the night we all got our trophies although it had a little too much of the coach's son in it for my taste it also featured my single reception for the season. I relished in the glory of that moment.