This Sucks

When I first pitched the idea of this blog to a friend of mine he gave me some advice that I have struggled to adhere to. “You want to make sure you seed hope at the end of every post” he said. It seemed like the right approach at the time but I as I began to write it just didn’t come naturally to me. The stories I have shared are all through the eyes of the boy who experienced them and there just isn’t a natural “hopefulness” in them.

As I continued writing his advice often rang in my head but for some reason I just couldn’t bring each post around and tie a nice hopeful bow on them. I got somewhat frustrated to the point that I stopped writing for a couple of days until I could figure out what was hindering me. One morning I was driving into work and talking to God and trying to gain some understanding as to why this was so difficult for me. Almost immediately He showed me something very powerful that I hope I can pass on.

Lets be honest. This sucks right? Living through these stories, working through it in counseling, writing about it, and now sharing it with all of you stirs up all this crap again and some days I ask myself, “Why are you doing this!?” It would be so easy to just shut this down and go back to my day to day routine without reliving these moments and agonizing about what you will think and what my family will think. Let’s just shut the computer and we’ll all go home.

What about you? The reader. Have you grown frustrated with the lack of hope? Are you sick of the pain you’re reading about every Monday and Thursday? It sucks doesn’t it. There exists within all of us the desire to get out of the sadness. It’s that feeling that we get when we watch a movie and the hero that we have come to love dies in the end. Something just isn’t right about it. We don’t mind a story where the protagonist goes through terrible things, as long as they are victorious when the credits roll. There is a deep longing for life to resolve in a happy ending.

Oddly enough, that is the bed where addiction is conceived.  We want so badly for the pain to stop, for the hurt to subside, for the throbbing ache of whatever life hands us to cease, that we’ll try just about anything to get it to go away. Addiction finds you in the midst of a terrible pain and begins to groom you for a life long commitment.  It piles the hurt on while subtly offering you a seemingly simple solution. There’s a part of you that doubts it’s ability to heal anything but the temptation of a “quick fix” is beyond alluring.  The substance or coping mechanism draws you in and says “just try me, and if i don’t work, you can try something else” and then the bait is set because that first time, or maybe even the first few times, it does work. For a little while you can’t feel the pain and so you chase that relief over and over again. I hope by reading over the last month you have come to feel some of that longing and I hope you have found yourself frustrated over the lack of hope, not because I’m a jerk and I like to torment people, but because we can relate a little better now because you’ve gotten a taste of how my struggle with sexual addiction began.

As I talked to God that morning I felt like it was important to try and create that with my writing. Many of you readers haven’t experienced addiction first hand and so the assumption can be that addicts are just products of their own choices, and any addict will agree with you. But in many ways we were set up for what we became. In my audio testimony I talk about being “ambushed.” I really feel like the things I experienced and lived through were intended to kill me. I had a counselor recently tell me that it is a miracle that I can have any kind of relationship with a woman at all, much less a healthy one. I was attacked, setup, targeted. I wasn’t supposed to make it out.

So, now that you hopefully have a small taste of where I am coming from, are you ready for some hope?

“You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.” Genesis 50:20

Why keep writing? Because I believe that God has written this story. I believe God has sustained me through it. I believe by telling it, God will draw people to Himself, and save their lives.