SO. There was this girl…
She was gorgeous and way out of my league. She had a great laugh and looked amazing in the little red dress she wore the first time I saw her. I knew nothing about her really but I was determined to change that. Through a friend I managed to get her phone number and that’s when the fun began.
Like most millennials our relationship began through the intimate interaction of texting. We had gone separately to a get together and changed locations about half way through the night for a reason I cannot recall. Upon returning to the original meeting place where my truck was parked I realized I had left my car keys at the other location. This turns out to be the most fortunate mistake I had ever made because the only one who could take me back to get my keys was none other than the brunette haired beauty that I had come to admire from afar.
Over time I became more and more smitten and honestly I think she became more and more afraid. I was fresh out of rehab and I was struggling to find a good balance between authenticity and appropriateness. I remember some specific moments where I tried to be honest and ended up sounding like an idiot and/or a jerk, but there’s no need to go over those now.
All I knew was that this girl was different. She was strong and independant and she knew what she wanted and what she didn’t have time for. I remember trying to woo her early in our texting relationship while she was out of town for a few days.
“Is it weird that I miss you?” I inquired. I imagined her phone buzzing and her friends all gathering around to see what the cute new boy had texted to her. “Awwww!” they would exclaim in a chorus of envy. “I miss you too!” she would text back with the sheepish wonder that comes with digital flirtation. But instead I got this…
“Yeah, that is kind of weird. We don’t really even know each other.”
This girl wasn’t going to be won over by romantic gestures or empty promises as had been my primary tools of pursuit in the past. She wanted honesty and commitment and so that’s what I determined to give her.
As we progressed in our relationship there were a few pivotal moments that would prove this point and that’s where my focus is in this blog. You see, I had made a decision about relationships while I was in recovery that would be tested at its highest level with this girl. I had decided that I would never again be someone that I wasn’t in an effort to gain someone’s acceptance. I had decided that the person who I would marry and the friends I would keep would have to comfortable with who I was and not who I pretended to be.
So eventually I wore her down enough that she decided we could date exclusively which was a few months after I initially made the suggestion. Talk about suspense huh? I mean really!? How long does it take to check yes or no!?
I remember her breaking the news to me in the living room of her apartment. We were sitting on the couch watching tv and she simply said, “I’m ready.” Now, she knew I had been in recovery for sexual sin and she knew that I had struggled to maintain purity in my relationships but she did not know the exact nature of my wrongs. I had determined that once we made this step it would be important to disclose the deeper nature of my sins because I didn’t want to be left thinking, “sure we’re dating now, but what if she knew? Would she stay with me?” So I took the risk.
I cried and fumbled through my words. I felt shame and horror. I was filled with the fear of being rejected but I knew that I was making the right choice. I told her about my sexual encounters with another male and how I had been involved in sexual sin for most of my life. After unloading what felt like a cargo plane full of junk I sat on the floor in front of her and waited. I told her that I knew it was a lot to handle and that I understood if she needed time to think through how she wanted to move forward in our relationship but before I could finish she quietly slipped her soft arms around my neck to hug me and said exactly what I needed to hear in that moment. “I’m so sorry that happened to you.”
And that was the day I decided I would marry Katie.
I’ve never been a believer in the romantic belief that there is one person out there for each of us mainly because the math doesn’t work. I mean if one person gets it wrong it would throw the whole world off. But I do believe that people are given special gifts to be able to handle each other. I found a woman whom God had uniquely created and matured in such a way that she would be able to handle my junk and love me anyway. Later in our relationship we had another one of these disclosures regarding my beastiality and in like fashion she looked past the terrible things I had done and saw a man that she could love.
If we don’t share who we really are then we cannot receive love. It was a risk for sure, but it was a risk I would make a million times over to find what I was fortunate enough to find on the first try. Someone who would love me for me.
Being honest about who we are and what we have done can be impossibly difficult, but until we do, we will always be left with this nagging question of “what if they knew?” Take it from me though, the risk is well worth it. I hope you find the courage and I hope you find your Kaite.