Well I suppose I’ve been staring at this blinking cursor for long enough but I really don’t know how to start this part.
In some ways there is this cute little story of innocent boys being boys but beneath that is this tragic reality that I don’t really know how to approach. I feel like I have a knack for talking easily about hard things but there just isn’t a funny little quip to attach to this part of my story so I guess I’ll just tell it like it happened. My desire is to be candid but not overly graphic so please be gracious if I struggle to walk that line.
Jacob’s and my curiosities shifted from viewing pornographic movies and pictures to acting them out on one another. Physiologically we were unaware of what we were involved in. To my knowledge I hadn’t been informed of the birds or bees yet. I suppose we just thought the people on the internet seemed to be having fun so we decided to give it try. Because our bodies weren’t mature enough to experience the fullness of it, for a while it didn’t seem like a big deal.
Jacob had a camper that we would use to play house in and it wasn’t long before we recruited some of the girls in our neighborhood to play with us. We would invite them to be the mommy and explain how we had learned from the internet what it took to make a baby, and so we would act it out fully. This would become our new norm for our play times.
Then suddenly, something changed. Something awesome and terrible took place after a few times of engaging one another in this way. Our bodies caught up to our actions. Suddenly there was an intense feeling of pleasure that was accompanying these actions. There was a physical relief that was masking the pain I was feeling inside my body.
Between my mother’s struggle with depression, my father’s absence, and my siblings dismissal I had come to a place where I was hurting all the time. I didn’t understand my world and the pain it was causing me. My perception was that I was unlovable and that I didn’t belong. But for a few moments with my friends I had found a way to put that out of my mind. I had found a release and it would prove to be a constant companion and there would be no one to tell me the dangers of it. From the age of 7 to about 14 I engaged in this sexual activity in an effort to escape my world.
There’s not a human on the planet who isn’t hurting. Everybody feels pain and begins grasping for some means of dealing with it. Some people run to sex, some to drugs, some to work, some to alcohol, and some to other people. Addicts are just people who didn’t know how else to deal with the life they were handed. Maybe their families were great church going people or maybe broken absent people but that’s not all that matters. What matters is how a person perceives the things that happened to them and around them and whether someone steps in to clear up their misperceptions.
My whole goal in writing and speaking is to help people find the courage to be honest about their brokenness. As you’ll come to learn I chose to deal with my pain in this unhealthy way for 17 years before I finally talked to anyone about it. I have to live with that choice. I have started sharing this story to try and help other people not loose 17 years of their lives to an unhealthy temporary solution that will only cause greater pain.
I didn’t ask for the hand I was dealt but I played it the same way, over and over again, a million times, in hopes that the outcome would change. It never did. If you’re fighting a secret fight, if you're in pain that no one knows about, if you're bound to the same old ways of dealing with life and they’re failing you over and over again...please reach out because broken things can’t be fixed in the dark.
When you’ve hit bottom, ask for help. I hope you find the courage.