Another stream of consciousness writing. About two months ago God began to give me a new perspective on the trauma I had experienced and his presence with me in those hurtful times. This healing has, in my opinion, been long overdue but I think God knew when I would be ready to dig into the darker parts of my soul. I hope if you've gone through difficult things you are pressing into God to speak to them rather than hiding from him in fear and pain.
Whelp, here is another post of my brain dump. Just a reminder that I'm intentionally not editing these so any spelling errors, confusing sentences, and offensive language is just an honest look at how my brain processes information. I struggled a lot with this one because it does have strong language in it which may offend, especially in a post about following Jesus, but as I started deleting it I felt I was pretending which, once you read this post you will understand, felt very hypocritical. I hope you can work through your offense and see the greater message. Offense isn't the goal but sometimes change requires being offended. So with that... I call this one, "Follow Jesus....?"
I've starting trying to write something everyday. A verse, a line, a poem, a thought, ANYTHING will do. I sit down and just go. I try not to think, try not to worry about sentence structure or rythm and just keep writing. Sometimes its nice, sometimes it angry, sometimes its even a bit crude, but I found that it's honest. Then every once in a while its something I really like and want to share. This is one of those. Enjoy!
First, let me say thank you for being so gracious as I took the day off on Thursday. I received a lot of little encouragements from you and it reminded me that as a blogger and someone who people count on to produce content, even if it’s only a few people, that it’s ok to admit we can’t do things. I had a pretty serious breakdown on Tuesday night that left me drained. I won’t go into all the details but generally I had reached my limit of doing and was empty. Thank God for a loving wife who is understanding when I start to unravel and gently encourages me back together.
So as you should know by now, my issue is that for many years I sought relief from my emotional and experiential pain through acting out sexually whether it be pornography, masturbation, or sex outside of marriage. Over the last six years I have been steadily growing healthier in these areas thanks to the very difficult emotional work I have been doing, the encouragement of those who know me and love me, and of course the help of God. However, one of the frustrations I have with this journey is the relentlessness of “the opposing force”.
As a high school student I had a job and pretty much paid for anything that I wanted with the exception of the things I stole, but I’ll save that for another blog post. I bought my own car, paid my insurance and gas, my own food, and anything else I wanted to take part in. I worked at grocery stores or fast food places for my first couple of gigs like most kids my age and I made just enough money to pay the bills and get a few small wants here and there.
This week I had the privilege of leading a group of High School boys through some meaningful conversations about God as our father for Revolution Church’s Student Ministry Camp. This topic brought about a lot of commentary surrounding earthly fathers and the way they have let us down and how their doing so has skewed our view of God. Honestly, it was a sweet spot for me. This topic is what I have spent a lot of time dealing with personally and in the lives of others.